Maybe
by Rei Minomiko
Summary: Tomoyo's thoughts on love...and of letting go.


Disclaimer: I own nothing. I have nothing. Now get off my case.  
  
Author's Notes: Finally! This is finished! I've had this fic stored in my computer for almost a year now, unfinished. Finally it's done. A little sad (at least I THINK it's a little sad!) and written entirely in Tomoyo's POV.  
  
Timeline: Occurs immediately after the Void Card movie.  
  
---denotes lyrics  
  
Maybe by rei-chan  
  
I watched Sakura-chan and Li-kun's reunion quietly from my spot a short distance away, willing myself to ignore the stabbing pain in my chest as I did so. I sincerely wanted to videotape the occasion for them, but for some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. My best friend's love life might be an interesting addition to my video collection, and for years I've actually dreamt of nothing but to capture it on camera. Now the said occasion was being played in front of me, but no matter how much I try to perk myself up to tape it, I just couldn't.  
  
It hurt.  
  
---There are words waiting for a chance  
Hoping that you'd understand  
The things I want to say---  
  
I can't really say that I'm not happy for Sakura. That would just be an outright lie. In fact it was I who had been urging her for the past four months to call or write Li-kun and tell him how she really felt. She didn't want to, so I did the only sensible thing and invited Li-kun and Meilin-chan over for the Nadeshiko Festival. Meilin and I had been steadily exchanging letters--and schemes--in order to get those two together, and both of us thought that this would be the best opportunity for them to meet and settle things between themselves properly.  
  
All our planning paid off. After four months of forcefully pushing them towards each other, the two lovebirds have FINALLY reached an understanding. Technically, Meilin and I should be out celebrating our successful scheming.  
  
It's just too bad that we both aren't in our best moods to enjoy our victory.  
  
---As my love grows stronger than before  
I want to see you more and more  
But you closed the door---  
  
I've always known that my love for Sakura-chan exceeds that of mere friendship. At first, I've tried to let go of these strong feelings I have for her, since I know for a fact that we were both girls and that Sakura-chan would rather eat Kero-chan alive than get involved with a lesbian, but after almost two years of trying to pretend that she was just a friend and nothing more, I realized that that could never be. What I have for her wasn't merely a hero-worship, something that Kero-chan had almost always pointed out to me whenever I have the Guardian Beast over at my house for dinner. Sakura meant more to me that life itself, and letting her go would almost be synonymous to dying. I love her, and no matter what happens, I always will.  
  
Even if it meant letting her go to find happiness with someone else.   
  
Someone else who isn't and will never be me.  
  
---Why don't you try   
To open up your heart  
I won't take too much of your time---  
  
I peeked out from behind the trees surrounding the theme park. Finding the area deserted, I clambered out from my hiding spot and sat on the sidewalk, resting my chin on one of my hands as I stared blankly at nothing. I have never told her that I love her, not just because of the fact that I knew that she would never receiprocate my feelings for her, but because I was scared. Scared of the fact that things between us would probably change because of my confession, and scared of the fact that I probably would lose her because of this. But that didn't stop me from dropping hints at her. Hints that were so subtle yet so obvious at the same time that even a dense cactus would pick it up. But Sakura, being the baka that she sometimes is, never figured it out.  
  
Now I wonder what would have happened to us if she actually DID.  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
"Nani?"  
  
She turned wide, inquiring emerald eyes at me as soon as my question had slipped past my lips. I smiled, and patiently repeated to her what I have been longing to ask her ever since we were in third grade.  
  
"Do you love me?"  
  
She frowned and turned away, biting her lower lip in thought, and I let her think. I sat quietly beside her on her bed and started swinging my legs in the air, waiting yet dreading her response at the same time. Finally, she looked at me and smiled.  
  
"Why do you ask?"  
  
"Well," I hedged, blowing my bangs away from my eyes before tucking my legs underneath my body and shifting over to face her. "We've been together since we were little, but I've never heard you say that you love me. I just wanted to know, that's all."  
  
"But that's a stupid question, Tomoyo-chan, really." She took one of my hands in her own and smiled. "Of course I love you. I always have, and I always will."  
  
I felt warmth travel all throughout my body, and I smiled again. Before I could open my mouth and tell her how much I love her in return, she added. "How can I not love you? You're my very best friend in the whole, wide world!"  
  
END FLASHBACK  
  
---Maybe it's wrong to say, "Please love me, too."  
'Coz I kow you'll never do  
Somebody else is waiting there inside for you---  
  
After that day, I never had the courage to ask her again. She made it pretty clear, after all. She loves me dearly because I'm her best friend, while here I am, pining for a love that I knew was mine and mine alone but will never get. I knew life wasn't fair. I just never expected it to bite like this.  
  
When Li-kun first came to Japan, I had this weird dream involving him, myself, and Sakura. I may not have Sakura-chan's omneirism (1), but I have had enough experiences of deja vu to know that this dream meant SOMETHING. We were at the Tokyo Tower, watching the airplanes fly by when Sakura suddenly disappeared. I combed the entire place in search for her, while Li-kun did the same. Guess who found her? Yup. He did(2).   
  
Ever since that dream, I knew in my heart that I will never, EVER have a chance with Sakura-chan, no matter how much of a headstart I had over Li-kun. They were just meant to be. Even my subconscious mind knew that fact.  
  
Life bites. And painfully, at that.  
  
A few months back, just a few days after our class went on an ice-skating trip to the local rink, Li-kun cornered me just as I was on my way to class.   
  
FLASHBACK  
  
"Daidouji."  
  
I stopped walking right away and turned, my eternal smile plastered on my face as I met Li Syaoran's amber eyes. "Hai?"  
  
He fidgeted slightly on his spot, absently scratching his neck as he worked his mouth into talking. "I have something important to ask you." he finally said, softly.   
  
His words piqued my curiosity just a teeny bit. "What is it?" I inquired.  
  
"I would like for you to answer me as honestly as you could, though. It's imperative."  
  
I shrugged. "Sure."  
  
He stared at me for a couple of seconds, as if weighing his words carefully in his mind while I stood there waiting patiently for him to start talking. Finally, he sighed. "I've noticed that you seem to be holding a candle for her."  
  
I didn't need to ask him who he was referring to. Rubbing a hand across my forehead, I looked down and sighed. "I guess there's no use denying it, huh?" He nodded. I sighed again. "Yes, I do."  
  
"Are you going to do something about it? Your feelings for her, I mean."  
  
That stumped me. "What do you mean?"  
  
Now it was his turn to sigh. "I mean, are you planning to, uh, make a move on her anytime soon." At the expression he saw on my face, he quickly added. "Not that I'm prying or anything. I just...I just wanted to be sure."  
  
'I just wanted to be sure that I won't have any competition when I make my move on her.' Was what he really meant. I know it.   
  
I eyed him for several seconds. I knew for a fact that he had been harboring feelings for Sakura ever since they first met. Him being mean to her at first was just his way of covering up the truth. But now that he was finally starting to consider telling her, or at least making his feelings a little more obvious, he wants to be sure that I wouldn't get in his way. Finally, I willed myself to shrug.   
  
"You can do whatever you want, Li-kun. I won't get in your way. You guys deserve each other. You're both just too stupid for your own darn good to realize that at the moment." I told him truthfully. And I did mean that.   
  
His mouth quirked up into a little smile. "You're telling me." Just then, the bell rang. He took my elbow and steered me towards our classroom. "Arigatou, Daidouji. You don't know how much this means to me."  
  
I tilted my head towards him and smiled, even though inside, my heart was breaking into a thousand little pieces, never to be put together again. "You're welcome, Li."  
  
I've just given away the one thing that matters most to me than life itself.  
  
END FLASHBACK  
  
---Maybe it's wrong to love you more each day  
'Coz I know he's here to stay  
But I know to whom you should belong---  
  
And I kept my word. I didn't get in his way. As if I even COULD, really. I might love Sakura with all my heart, to the point that I would be actually willing to give up my EVERYTHING for her when the time comes, but God knows Li-kun felt more than that.   
  
That didn't stop my love for her from growing, though. Each passing day, each passing minute spent with her just intensified my feelings ten-fold, to the point that I had almost grabbed Li-kun to tell him that I was taking back all that I've said before. I couldn't let her go, no matter how much I knew Li-kun deserved her more than I do. She was mine, as she had been ever since we were little.   
  
She belonged to ME.  
  
But, in the end, it was _he_ who won her heart, anyway.  
  
---I believe that what you said to me  
We should set each other free  
That's how you want it to be---  
  
I stooped forward and began fiddling with the buckles on my shoes, forcefully trying to stop my tears from falling. I've vowed to myself that I wouldn't cry when those two finally get together. They were both my friends, and as much as I loathe them both for making me feel this way, my love for the both of them still exceeds the hate I feel. Meilin told me once that I should let Sakura go completely once Li-kun proposed, as she did with Li-kun, and for months I've prepared myself for this day. I've spent a lot of time with them in order for me to get used to the two of them being together, and even went to the point of slyly teasing Li-kun whenever the three of us and Hiiragizawa-kun were hanging out. I knew Hiiragizawa-kun picked up on what I was trying to do, because one day, a few days before the elevator incident, he suddenly appeared at my doorstep.  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
I eyed my guest warily from across the table. He just sat there with a perfectly calm expression on his face, daintily sipping his English tea. It wasn't that his visit wasn't at all welcomed. Over the past few days that he had been here in Tomoeda Hiiragizawa-kun and I had become friendly in some ways, although I haven't really confided to him about anything.   
  
He scares me sometimes.  
  
"Anou, Hiiragizawa-kun?" I asked him tentatively as I watched him butter a crumpet, "Pardon my asking, demo, why are you here?"  
  
He smiled at me and placed his pastry back down on his plate. "I just reckoned you needed a friend right now." he answered me quietly. "Letting a loved-one go is an experience that one should not go through alone."  
  
I stared at him funny, unable to believe my ears. "I don't mean to sound rude, but, what EXACTLY are you babbling about?"  
  
He smiled at me again, knowingly, and I finally realized that this new English guy had read me pretty well. "You know what I'm talking about." he told me softly.  
  
Did I mention that he could get downright SCARY at times?  
  
He went on talking. "I know that all of us have not really known each other for a long time, but, trust me on this. You should let Sakura-san go. Because once you do, you will find yourself free for the very first time in your life."  
  
I looked down on my own cup of tea for a long, long time. I felt him sit down beside me. Within seconds, I found my face buried in his chest as I cried softly.  
  
END FLASHBACK  
  
---But my love grows stronger than before  
I want to see you more and more  
But you closed the door---  
  
I closed my eyes tightly and bit my lip, forcefully trying to stop my tears from falling. I couldn't shed tears for Sakura now, not when everything in her life is just beginning to look up. What kind of a friend would I be if I couldn't be happy for my best friend? For four months she had been hoping and waiting and dreaming for this day, and I don't want to ruin it for her by crying. My tears will make her feel bad, and I don't want that. As much as I wanted to hate them both for making me feel this way, I couldn't. This was inevitable, and, as Hiiragizawa-kun had once said, there is nothing no one can do but surrender to it.  
  
A single trail of tear trickled from under my lashes, in spite of all my efforts not to cry. I couldn't help it.  
  
It hurts so much.  
  
---Why don't you try  
To open up your heart  
I won't take too much of your time---  
  
In spite of all my efforts not to break down, I couldn't help myself when tears started stemming out from my eyes. My shoulders were trembling violently as I buried my face in my hands, forcefully trying to muffle the sobs that were tearing out from my throat. My chest hurt so much that I almost couldn't breathe. I wanted to stand up and run, run until I manage to escape the pain trying to take over me as images of Li and Sakura flashed in front of my eyes. I wanted to rewind things all over and start again, but I know that I could never do that, even if I did have access to the Return Card. Besides, even if I could, I wasn't even sure if I CAN.  
  
Oh, Sakura. If only you could see me now...  
  
---Maybe it's wrong to say, "Please love me, too."  
'Cause I know you'll never do  
Somebody else is waiting there inside for you---  
  
Deep in my heart, I knew that Sakura-chan and Li-kun really do belong together, regardless of what Hiiragizawa-kun had said about the unexpected events that had occurred during Sakura's trial period. How could they not be? Ever since Sakura was named the Card Mistress, Li-kun had insistently helped her out every time something weird happens even though he didn't really need to. He was always there during the easy battles, the hard ones, the completely pointless ones...I mean, let's face it, those two have been through a lot. And in spite of all the stones that fate has thrown at them, in the end they always somehow manage to come out of every situation unscathed. Those two have proven to all of us time and time again that they were really meant to be together.  
  
It honestly sucks for me that Hiiragizawa-kun didn't have the control over Sakura's and Li's feelings. If he had, then maybe this wouldn't have happened.  
  
_I_ should be the one who's happy, not Li.  
  
It is during times like these that I actually question the extent of Clow Reed's 'super' magical powers.  
  
---Maybe it's wrong to love you more each day  
'Cause I know he's here to stay---  
  
I've always considered myself as an honest person. I don't stretch the truth nor do I keep the truth. I don't lie. Period.  
  
Which is why I am sitting here, all alone and feeling sorry for myself.   
  
I don't lie, not even to myself.   
  
That is why I can't keep on hoping that Sakura will just suddenly come back to me, especially now that she and Li-kun had finally settled everything out. There is absolutely no chance. Never have, and never will.  
  
Li-kun's love is here to stay. He might be gone in two weeks to go back home, but his love will stay embedded in Sakura's heart here in Tomoeda for the rest of her life. If I hadn't been feeling miserable, I would have found the whole thing to be totally sweet.  
  
They really do definitely deserve each other.  
  
And I am definitely out of the picture.  
  
---But my love is strong  
I don't know if this is wrong---  
  
I rested my chin on my folded hands and sighed again. Why can't I just get rid of these feelings for her and move on with my life? It's not like I would lose her forever. Sakura IS my best friend, after all, and I hers. She and I will never part ways.  
  
'But that's not the reason why you're sitting here, moping, Tomoyo, and you know it.'  
  
Yeah. I knew that.  
  
I am well aware that our friendship will last forever, and as long as we were friends, my feelings for her will remain.  
  
That's the reason I was moping.   
  
In my heart, I knew and felt that I would love her forever...  
  
In hers, I will never be more than just her best friend.   
  
Is loving her wrong of me, then?  
  
---But I know to whom you should belong---  
  
Furiously, I scrubbed my face with my hands and growled at myself. All this thinking was giving me a stress headache, and I don't need that. I already have way too much in my mind right now to be bothered by a migraine. I should just let everything be, and move on. Smile and be happy, even though inside, I'm dying.   
  
Yeah, I should just do that. It's not like I have any other choice on this matter.  
  
After all, who am I to question fate?  
  
==owari==  
  
==I do not take any credit for the splendid song I used for this fic. 'Maybe' was sung and recorded by the Neocolors, a completely corny band here in the Phil. 'Maybe' is the ONLY acceptable song in their album.  
  
  
  
FOOTNOTES:  
  
1. Sakura-chan's unique talent (is it a talent?) of having prophetic dreams. My friend Shinrai happened to stumble upon this term while searching for something. Cool-sounding word, huh? ^-^  
  
2. This is actually based on an experience I had back when I was still in junior high school. I dreamt that I, a girl friend, and a guy friend were up at Tagaytay (Specifically, Taal Lake Lounge, Philippines ^-^) when this guy friend suddenly vanished. My female friend and I searched for him everywhere, and I was the one who found him. After three months, that guy friend courted me, and we've been going out since then.(Aaaww!) I figured this would work for the  
Tomoyo-Syaoran-Sakura triangle, since that female friend I had in my dream had a huge crush on that guy, now my boyfriend, as well.  
  
Like it? Hate it? Let me know! 


End file.
